“LIVING WITH AN ABUSER IS A NO WIN SITUATION FOR THE VICTIM. YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM”

“LIVING WITH AN ABUSER IS A NO WIN SITUATION FOR THE VICTIM. YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM”

The following are some of their characteristic behaviors and tactics, to confuse and control their victims, which give an insight into their minds.

All abusers are dysfunctional individuals, insecure and unable to have a relationship unless they are in complete control. A relationship with them will turn into a toxic relationship.

The abuser shifts responsibility for his actions away from himself and onto others, a shift that allows him to justify his abuse and anger because the other person supposedly “caused” his behavior. For example: “If you hadn’t screamed, I wouldn’t have had to hit you.” Or he may say, “She pushes my buttons.” Statements like this blame the victim.

Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, the abuser tries to justify his behavior with excuses. For example: “My parents never understood me,” “My parents beat me,” “My parents never loved me,” or “I couldn’t let her talk to me that way. There was nothing else I could do.”

The abuser’s mind tells him that he is never to blame for any negative behavior.
The abuser manipulates his victim to become emotionally, psychologically and physically dependent upon him, which reduces the ability of the victim to resist his abuse and increases his control over her.

Isolation is a common method to achieve this. The abuser discourages her contacts and social interaction with family members and friends. He will make pseudo victim statements, like, “They don’t like me, don’t go and see them.”

Another tactic is to be a good friend with her friends, and spread rumours about her behind her back. She becomes confused when her friends avoid her. He then comforts her to gain more psychological control over her.

Abusers believe that they would be famous and rich if the victim and other people weren’t holding them back. He uses this belief to justify his abuse and he feels he is justified in retaliating in any way he can, including physical and emotional abuse.

He puts others down, including the victim. In his mind, “They are idiots.”

The abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life.

The separation is physical; for example, he will beat up family members but not people outside his home.

The separation is psychological; for example, the abuser attends church on Sunday morning and play the role of a loving spouse and parent, but uses fear to control his wife or children on Sunday night.

He sees no inconsistency in his behavior and feels justified in it. Yet if they hear a report that someone else has abused their loved ones, they are the first to condemn them.

Abusers refuse to accept their mistakes and avoid responsibility for their actions by trying to minimize their importance. For example, “I didn’t hit you that hard,” “I only slapped you; I didn’t hit you,” or “I only hit one of the kids. I should have hit them all.”

Abusive people are not really angrier than other people. However, they deliberately appear to be angry in order to control situations and people.

They can lose their anger instantly, when the situation requires it, as when the police knock on the door. His hysterical partner then looks out of control, while he is collected.

While normal people have been socialized to control their anger, the abuser feels justified in not controlling his anger. But is able to switch it off in a moment.
Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him.

Here, the abuser thinks that if he doesn’t get what he wants, he is the victim; and he uses the disguise of victim to get back at or make fools of others.

Abusers will often claim to be the victim in order to avoid being held accountable by law enforcement. He may assert she was the one who was violent. He will display what are clearly defensive wounds, such as bite marks or scratch marks, and claim she “attacked” him. Or he will declare that the physical marks on her were caused when he was trying to keep her from hurting herself.

Abusers are able to cry easier than most men when the victim role or manipulative tactics require it.

Abusers,, can’t seem to develop close, satisfying relationships, or even bad relationships that last. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Their need of sex should not be confused with a desire for closeness.

Abusive people find it exciting to watch others get angry, get into fights, or be in a state of general uproar. Often, they’ll use a combination of tactics described earlier to set up a dramatic and exciting situation.

An abuser will keep the household and his family’s emotions in a state of chaos by starting arguments and constantly being in conflict with other family members.
The abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real feelings. He is not open to new information about himself, either, such as insights into how others see him.

He is secretive, close-minded, and self-righteous. He believes he is right in all situations.Yet he is inquisitive and can ask detailed, even intimate questions about others.

The abuser’s system of logic is closed. He doesn’t allow his partner to voice opinions or criticize him in any way. He lets her know, without a doubt, that his word is law.

The abuser uses various tactics to power trip others. For instance, he walks out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouts the victim, or organizes other family members or associates to “gang up” on the victim in shunning or criticizing her.

By keeping the victim in a state of emotional chaos, the victim finds herself constantly “walking on eggshells.”

Abusers demean their victims to damage her self-esteem and make her think she is unable to face life on her own. Her self-esteem can be damaged beyond repair.

Abusers are emotionally dependent on their victim. This causes an inner rage that encourages the abuser to lash out. Because he is so dependent, he takes control of his victim’s life. This is the way he denies his weaknesses and make himself feel powerful.

Symptoms of emotional dependency include, excessive jealousy, jealous rages and possessive actions that are usually sexual in nature. Abusers spend an excessive amount of time monitoring the action and movements of their victims.

The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, he believes that anything he wants should be his, and he can do as he pleases with anything that is his. This attitude applies to people as well as to possessions.

This justifies his controlling behavior, physically hurting others, and taking things that belong to them.

Abusers are extremely possessive and believe that they should get everything they want. They also feel they can do whatever they wish with their possession and abusers see their partner or spouse as something they own.

They feel they are justified in hurting their victim by taking their possessions, attacking them emotionally, psychologically and physically and controlling all aspects of their life.

Often, abusers have no support network and lack those supportive roles that others depend upon.

Another sign of emotional dependency is the extreme affect the abuser suffers if his victim leaves. He will go to any lengths to get the victim to return.

The abuser’s negative mind-set makes everybody else an idiot. The abuser also belittles, berates and puts other people down verbally, as a way of making himself look superior and to make himself feel more powerful.

When anyone says or does anything that doesn’t fit his glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

They exhibit a confusing mixture of superiority and inadequacy. They show macho confidence, except for circumstances where low self-esteem is required, i.e. they portray themselves as victims. Yet somewhere deep down they know their inadequacies. This is why they are so sensitive to criticism. Truth hurts.

Abusers are emotionally dependent on their victim. This causes an inner rage that encourages the abuser to lash out. Because he is so dependent, he takes control of his victim’s life. This is the way he denies his weaknesses and make himself feel powerful.

Symptoms of emotional dependency include, excessive jealousy, jealous rages and possessive actions that are usually sexual in nature. Abusers spend an excessive amount of time monitoring the action and movements of their victims.

Often, abusers have no support network and lack those supportive roles that others depend upon.

Another sign of emotional dependency is the extreme affect the abuser suffers if his victim leaves. He will go to any lengths to get the victim to return.

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